i was born a porn star she said
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
