Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
