There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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