I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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