I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
