she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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