I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You are the jesus of drinking
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
