We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
