wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
