So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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