I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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