I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
