Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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