I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
