My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
