I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
