here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
