I want to make a zoo with you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I did not marry a roomba.
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