Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
