If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
