I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize