we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
