he wants to bone in the snuggie
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
