you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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