I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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