Ambien. No doubt about it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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