Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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