I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
