girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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