I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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