I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize