I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
