I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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