You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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