onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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