I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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