you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
