so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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