i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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