I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
