He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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