you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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