1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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