I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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