dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
