I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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