I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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