i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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