So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
