Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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