I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
