If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
