Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
