My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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