Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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