Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
