so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
