just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My cat gives me a boner
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
