i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Send help, water and tortillas.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
