That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
