Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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