My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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