Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
